The Pleaser Pleases Everyone But Himself

The pleaser is always looking at your face hoping to detect every subtle mood change. He is obsessed with knowing how you are feeling about him at every moment the two of you are together and specifically whether he is pleasing you or not. If he is not pleasing you he is disheartened. He sees himself as a failure because at that moment nothing is more important to him than that he pleases you.

You, as the person viewed by him in the relationship as somehow superior, are the master. He is slave. If to please you, he must say what he does not believe, no matter. If to please you, he must act in a manner that otherwise he would consider degrading or dishonest or immoral and just plain wrong, no matter. Pleasing you is everything to him. Saying what he thinks you want to hear is everything.

Very Shy, The Introvert

The fact is that “disheartened” is the way the pleaser normally feels around people, especially those he considers in some way more important than he is, since the assumption that dominates his psyche is that only with great difficulty is he ever going to be able to please anyone. Thus he is often seen as very shy, as the introvert. And he often sees himself as operating at great disadvantage with others. He is always ever so close to losing all his friends, to not having anyone in his life who understands him, who cares for him, who loves him.

Why? Because his self image is that of the unlikable, the unlovable. Low self esteem is a term that describes him perfectly.

May Seem Perfect

Thus the pleaser may seem the perfect lover or spouse, the perfect employee, the perfect military man. He is the perfect son of the overbearing autocratic parents. He is the perfect yes man. Where is honesty with the pleaser? Where is forthrightness? Where is an articulation of what is important to him and what he believes and what is right? He is the perfect lover or employee or the perfect son unless, that is, what you need from him is an honest appraisal of what is going on and how he’s feeling about it. He is the perfect person, that is, unless what you are expecting is strength of character—principled compassionate behavior, behavior based on self confidence and a belief in self worth.

Some of the pleaser’s character traits might seem highly commendable. For example, he is sometimes the first to assume responsibility in a crisis. Yes, highly commendable, but what if assuming responsibility is a preconditioned response whenever anything is perceived as going wrong? What if he is preconditioned to feel that anything that goes wrong is his fault? What if that is the reason he is so quick to assume responsibility? Not so highly commendable in that case, yes?

Necessary for Survival

How did he get that way? Maybe he is the son of a pleaser. Perhaps, but more likely he grew up in a home where being a pleaser was necessary for survival, at least mental survival. Let’s say his mother was prone to fits of temper and easily launched into accusatory harangues, but that expressing and demonstrating love for him and her other children was a far rarer occurrence. Meanwhile the father was not present nor was any other adult who could bring some balance to the highly charged situation.

In another case, let’s say the pleaser grew up in a house where the mother was an alcoholic of the nasty variety and that normally her outbursts would occur around the dinner table. Everyone in the family would cringe, would feel like turning turtle and disappearing inside a shell, as the mother gave vent to one more slurred angry recitation of how put upon she felt because no one ever helped her around the house. Meanwhile the pleaser would watch his father resort to what seemed rather feeble attempts at placation when mother was having one of these many tantrums.

What was lacking was the firm authoritative voice asserting, “Mother, you have to do something about your drinking.”

Watch Out for Backlash

For the friend, spouse or lover of the pleaser, look out for the backlash. You and the pleaser are engaged in what seems like a rather innocuous conversation, let’s say on the subject of rearing the new dog in your lives, when suddenly he’s yelling at you, perhaps evening throwing a plate against a wall. The fact is that while he’s talking to you he’s really thinking about the session he had earlier in the day with his overbearing, browbeater of a boss. In a review of his new budget, she’d made him do even more groveling than even he was used to.

Even for the veteran pleaser, limits can be reached and exceeded. In such cases, the lid is blown off the kettle in an explosion of steam.

Next installment of Mind Check, why I meditate. To communicate with the writer of Mind Check, write to this e-mail address: Stephen.saft@gmail.com.

Copyright © 2007 by Stephen Alan Saft