CRUELTY WITHIN FAMILIES IS NOT BEAUTIFUL

When I spoke of evil earlier in Mind Check, the examples I used tended to be drawn from recent history or the sensational brought to us via the media. The fact is that for every dictator with human blood on his hands or every serial killer, there are millions who have committed acts of cruelty on a smaller scale. Because these acts are intended to bring harm to others, at least emotionally, and because this harm is perpetrated as a calculated act of self benefit, they fit the definition of evil.

In many cases, these acts of cruelty are committed within families. Family members hurt other family members because they can. Dependency relationships are common within families. One family member depends on another family member financially or for help during illness or debilitation or for love. The family member who is depended upon can exact revenge upon the dependent party by refusing any or all of these expected forms of assistance or by making the other grovel in some way before extending himself.

Wedding, Humiliation Opportunity

Here is an example. The oldest of three children, a daughter, was getting married, and the parents sent out wedding invitations. When the 85-year-old grandmother, that is, the mother of the bride-to-be’s son, received her invitation, she called the mother of the bride-to-be, that is, her daughter-in-law.

What her motive was in making the call is the subject of speculation. My guess is that the grandmother suspected that the treatment that was to be accorded her at the wedding was not going to be to her liking, based on her past relations with this family, which had not been good for some time. Specifically, the grandmother feared this family might do what they had done in the past, which was to use family celebrations over which they had control as opportunities to humiliate her and other family members.

Unreturned RSVP

In the course of the telephone conversation, the daughter-in-law stated that the grandmother of the groom was to be escorted down the aisle at the start of the ceremony, but that she, the maternal grandmother of the bride, would not be accorded such an honor. This revelation had its intended effect. The grandmother was most upset. In fact, she was so upset that she never did return the RSVP to give notice that she would be attending the affair.

She did not return the RSVP and thus was not expected, but she did attend the wedding anyway. She was not present for the banquet and dance, but she did appear at the ceremony at the start of the night’s festivities. Wearing a checkered outfit more in keeping with a women’s club luncheon than an evening wedding at a downtown Philadelphia hotel, the grandmother took a seat close to the bride and bridegroom and the rabbi who was officiating and thus in plain view of almost everyone in attendance.

Rabbi’s Homily

It is interesting to note that in his homily the rabbi addressed the danger of not resolving ill will in a family at the start of a marriage, thus allowing the possibility of its infiltrating the relationship of the newlyweds itself. How had the rabbi learned about the ill will in this family? It is customary for the bride and groom to meet before the ceremony with the person who will officiate. It is probable that the bride-to-be discussed the angry telephone conversation between grandmother and mother of the bride and other unfortunate events in the history of this relationship at one of these pre-nuptial conferences.

How good it would have been if at the end of the ceremony the mother or father of the bride and thus the hosts for the evening affair had approached the grandmother and made room for her at the banquet that was to follow. That would have been the magnanimous thing to do. One of them should have taken a cue from the rabbi and said to the older woman, “What has happened between us is water under the bridge. For the sake of this young couple who are just starting out life together, let us have peace in this family.”

Told to Leave

This did not happen, and instead the grandmother was told she could not stay and was escorted out of the hall.

What were the supposed crimes of the grandmother that merited her such shabby treatment at the wedding and in the years leading up to it? The grandmother was no saint. For one thing she was no diplomat and had a supercilious side to her personality that had a tendency to show itself in her relations with close family members. This unloving side to her nature diminished as she became older, but any close family member who had known her earlier and had a tendency to hold a grudge might never forgive her, no matter how she reformed herself later.

Imagining the Satisfaction

It is clear that the host and hostess intended to use the wedding of their oldest daughter as another vehicle for exacting revenge on the grandmother. Had unquenchable anger been their dominant feeling towards her, then they should not have invited her in the first place. No, it was important for them to mete out punishment once again. One cringes at the thought of the host and hostess taking pleasure at the grandmother’s discomfort as she sat in her seat along with everyone else attending and bore witness to the honor accorded to her counterpart, but not to her.

People who use family celebrations as a means to exact punishment on other members of their family bring infamy upon themselves.

ABOUT MIND CHECK

Thank you for tuning into Mind Check, a biweekly effort to prove that we are what we think and that clear thinking leads to effective action and to a better world. Mind Check is intended to serve as a bridge between the realm of the human spirit, that center of our energy, mental and physical, and our rationality or reason, of which the scientific method is an excellent example. Mind Check is also intended to prove that the ideas of right and wrong are innate, not exclusively inherent in the situation or the whim of the moment.

To communicate with the author of Mind Check, please write to stephen.saft@gmail.com. For examples of the writer’s other writings, see the website http://www.iwillmeanpoetry.com. The author is also preparing to launch a site of podcasts consisting of spoken poetry, essays and short stories. Be on the look out for it.

Copyright © 2007 by Stephen Alan Saft