This bothers me. I have many writing projects pending, not just blog postings, and I hate being this inefficient. What is wrong with me? No new short poems. Minimal work on a new epic poem that I undertook to write before the bone marrow transplant. No progress on the editing of the galley proofs for the second book of poetry I committed to for this year. No activity on the projects in my archives. And no new posting for Mind Check.
Morning Motivation Then Dissipation
I have to admit that lately I’m seeing some improvements in the way I feel, particularly in the mornings, but I still don’t have the reserve of energy I was used to before I undertook the procedure. I wake in the morning, and for the first few minutes of the day I’m in the midst oif a frenzy of mental activity. I'm thinking of all the projects I could be working on, but then doubt shows its awful face. I'm wondering if I will have the motivation and the drive to plunge into these bigger challenges or if I am going to fall back on activities that are easier—like checking my email—but don’t give me the sense that I am moving my life forward?
After breakfast, the guessing game has sometimes transmuted into a confrontation with hard reality: No energy. I’m ready to climb back into bed. What happened to the energy I hoped I would have in those first few minutes after waking up? Where did it go? Did I eat the wrong combination of foods for breakfast or was it something I did the night before?
Afternoon Nap
Even if I do get something done in the morning, I can count on most afternoons being a wash out. I have lunch, and I’m ready for a nap. No need to climb into bed. Just sit me down in a chair, and I’ll soon be nodding off. I do have to acknowledge that feeling tired in the afternoon is not a phenomenon peculiar to the bone marrow transplant for me, but started happening before Harriet and I had made the move to Southwest Virginia and were still living in Arlington in Northern Virginia. Maybe it’s simply a byproduct of getting older.
At night, I usually experience a renewed spurt of energy, but it’s rare that I’m motivated to put that energy into writing anything. After a half hour of meditation using the practices of Eknath Easwaran of the Blue Mountain Center for Meditation, I’m ready to be entertained. Put me in front of the TV set and I’ll happily watch someone else’s creative work on a DVD. Lately, I have to admit, it has been hard to stay away from the TV news at night what with a national election campaign going on and with the country’s economy in virtual bankruptcy, the causes concealed by financial manipulators on Wall Street.
How Am I Walking
That’s an account of the ups and downs of my energy level during the course of a day, but what about the rest of me? What about all the other side effects that I brought home with me from the hospital? How, for example, am I walking these days? Better than when I first got home from the hospital, but outside of the house I still can’t do without a cane. I have a problem with my balance on uneven surfaces, and at night if no light illuminates the ground, I am probably going to fall whether I have a cane or not. I get disoriented if I can’t see the surface that I’m walking on. My knees are stiff, and sometimes they hurt. And they don’t seem to want to do what they are supposed to do during the walking process.
Then there’s the numbness in my fingers and my feet. In the morning when you’re getting dressed, try buttoning a shirt when your finger tips are numb. It’s not easy, and some buttons and button hole combinations are still impossible for me.
Hospital Testing Results
At this point I should reveal that about a week ago I had another series of tests at Baptist Hospital and a consultation with one of the oncologists. I came away from this session feeling disappointed. But first the good news. My blood counts for the key components of blood are in the normal range or rising and approaching normal.
Now the bad news. The CAT scan showed that the cancerous lymph node is still present. It’s smaller than it’s ever been since I first started dealing with Baptist Hospital over two years ago, and it may be the least active that it’s been. Only a PET scan would reveal activity, and I’m not sure when I’ll be allowed to have another PET scan. The point is that despite all that I’ve been through—all the chemo over a several month period including the awful BCNU or Carmustine just before the bone marrow transplant itself—the node is still with me.
The Questions
What does this mean? I’ve decided to put a series of questions to the bone marrow transplant team. I meet with them again on Oct. 20, and I would certainly appreciate having some answers by then. Here are my questions for the team:
1. What does the continued presence of the cancerous lymph node, albeit smaller in size, mean? Is this latest bone marrow transplant a failure because the node is still present? Have I wasted my time having a BMT? What?
2. How long before I may expect my lymphoma to affect any of my vital organs? Since the node is in the abdominal area, are the organs of that region the most likely candidates for attack? What would the likely treatment options be—radiation, chemotherapy, surgery?
3. Are my knees likely to improve on their own? If not, would it be advisable for me to have corrective knee surgery. I am not interested in going through another painful procedure like knee replacement if my long term prospects are not too promising. Why bother?
Let’s see how I do with these questions. I am prepared for a wide range of answers including “I don’t know.” Frankly, an honest “I don’t know” would be preferable to the kind of pronouncement we hear in most dramas about cancer victims. “ Well, Mr. Saft,” says the physician in his most earnest voice, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have just six months to live.”
Whatever they say, I will try to make the most of whatever time I have left. I don’t want to spend my time mired in regret and feeling sorry for myself. I still have a lot of work to do.
For an overview of my various writing projects I am involved with, please see the website http://www.sasaftwrites.com. My latest book Murdoch McLoon And His Windmill Boat is available from the website http://www.Xlibris.com.
Copyright © 2008 by Stephen Alan Saft
No comments:
Post a Comment